My Letter to Her

Hey.

I suppose this is the most cowardly way I can convey what I have been feeling over the past semester but at this point… I don’t think I really care anymore.

Maybe, someday I hope you’ll be able to read this.

I can’t start with “Ever since I met you” but… as I got to know you, you’ve been a particularly interesting character. Your carefree attitude, your adventurous streak and perhaps even your beauty has caught my eye.

Man, I can’t even find the right words that doesn’t make this sound cheesy, but… I don’t know. I really don’t know.

After that first night we went out with everyone, something special happened there. I knew you weren’t in full control of yourself but… it probably wasn’t real, but it was real in my head. It’s probably delusions that I have of you, but my thoughts translated into feelings. Maybe I was chasing a phantom that was conjured of a night of forgotten mistakes but nevertheless I have feelings for you. I have asked you out, but after I found out some things about you, I decided that you weren’t for me.

Every time I walked in there, I always looked for you first before anything, hoping to catch just a small glimpse of you. It didn’t matter if you looked haggard, or tired, I just wanted to see you.

Yeah, I know, it sounds really pathetic, but whatever, this is how I feel and I am not ashamed of it.

Despite the fact that I decided not to care anymore, or to pursue, but we met a few more times and the more I hear, it made me realize more and more of how I felt about you. I will not call it love because it is a dangerous feeling to confess to.

As the holidays grew closer, we hung out more, and I got to know you a bit more. I treasure every moment we had.

Then it came to that night, when I had a chance, and… I don’t know what it all meant, but… I showed you that I wasn’t the guy you thought me out to be.

I am more than that.

I am more than him.

At least I am honest with the people I am with.

I like you a lot, despite how fucked up you are, despite how broken you are, despite everything that you’ve done. I want to help you. But you didn’t let me in, so what was I supposed to do?

I’m sorry I wasn’t there to say goodbye. I had so much to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell you, because I didn’t want to complicate things in my life.

But now that you’re gone, and now that I am leaving for good, I’m not going to have a chance to tell you everything. I had so much to tell you, yet so little, yet so much I want to keep in myself until I enter my grave… But too little too late, huh?

I’m sorry I haven’t been truthful with you.

I’m sorry, if you’re reading this that this is the way you find out, but I don’t think you’ll ever see this.

If you do, this has got to be the most pathetic ever that you’ve read. But I don’t care.

I don’t want to care anymore.

But I can’t.

Everyday I see something that reminds me of you. It’s like the world itself is reminding me and mocking me at the same time.

I saw your name in the paper today in the train and all I could do was turn away and sigh.

That night… when you were having fun with all those guys. It hurt me so much seeing you act that way, but all I could do was put on my mask, and give my best smile, hiding the pain I felt inside.

I tried to be at least a good friend yet you wouldn’t let me be one.

…

Whatever it is now, I wish you all the best. I hope you find someone special that will treat you right. I hope you can fix your problems. I hope that someday… you can let me in, and give me a chance.

But I know it’s not possible, now that you’re gone.

I will… cherish whatever memories we had, as little as they were, but nonetheless… despite the inappropriateness and cheesiness of this whole thing, I will.

Goodbye.