Well, here it is. The very last day of another year. Again. But I gotta say this year was very different compared to others? Why? Simple, for most of it I wasn’t in my decrepit home country, Malaysia. Okay, maybe the place deserves more credit than I give it but that’s another matter.
Well… let’s see… I’ve definitely discovered the joys of drinking socially; it’s not a bad thing. I’m sure there’re most of you who’ll roll your eyes and shit like that but sure, we’re all entitled to our own opinions.
Not-so-familiar-classmates have become good friends. Acquaintances have become friends. Idiots have been cast aside as the natural progression of social Darwinism takes place. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting more amazing people that add more colours and meaning to my life. So, here’s to you people. Abhi, Bob, Elly, Palm, Pui Yee, Shevoune, Su, Sarah, Bon, Carissa, Kang Wei, Daniel, Carmen, and Eric. You foos made my time really enjoyable in Melbourne.
And let’s not forget the old Indah crowd, even though far away, but still very entertaining indeed. The 706 girls, Nix, Nabila (congrats on getting married!) and Piumi. The 706 lads, Rushdi, Taqi, Rahul and to a lesser extent, Saad, you goat-raping, phone-stealing bastard! The 710 lads, Raashid and Suheil… and Rashmi, even though most of the time you ain’t there! The 709 dudes, Zabreen, Rikaz and especially Shakir, bunch of haramis you guys. Cheers to you lads. And though this is super late, thanks for that farewell present!
Learnt loads of shit about life in Melbourne. I had my eyes opened further. I’ve went from vindictive to loving the country. It’s beautiful scenery, the fun and very, very beautiful people and of course, your beautiful weather (not counting summer, you bastard).
I’ve seen things… experienced a lot of new things. Very thankful for that. I got to know her… I’m still confused over where I stand in this whole mess my mind has made up, but I’m glad that’s off my chest. Out of sight, out of mind, as they all say.
I’ve lived like never before in that country. I guess I have my mum to thank for that, financing this overly expensive son of hers to a city as amazing as Melbourne.
So, I suppose, it’s only fair that I be thankful for this amazing year, for it’s amazing people I have met, for the amazing experiences I have been able to experience and for my chance to count how much “amazing”s I have used in this post alone. Amazing. That’s another one.
Here’s to you, 2009. Ye have been a great year, but your time’s up.
Peace.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
She Cold Stabbed Me
Yeah, just got my ass back from Melaka. Amazing food. Better than Ipoh, especially the ais kacang and the cendol. Damn son... cheaper too! But the chicken rice balls... meh... like that la. It's not exactly as played out as Pui Yee tells me.
Finally replaced my bokken from Melbourne with another similar black one that I saw while walking down Jonker walk. But that's another story for another time, in another post.
So I came back with a headache that's been with me since that morning, all the way in the train ride and all the way back here. So right after dinner, popped a double of Panadol and dozed off.
My next memory is that I had a dream of my ex. We were driving in a suburban area in a convertible. No reason, we were just there. Suddenly, next most vivid moment in the dream was me, adjusting the rear view mirror and I felt her move suddenly, I moved my hand in the way to block it and she plunged a syringe right into my outstretched palm. I saw a sort of green liquid in there. Transparent, somewhat neon-like and she pushed down on the plunger. Somehow I knew that was poison and next thing I knew, I reached across her with my free hand, opened her door and kicked her out.
I sped off and headed towards the hospital where I saw an old friend and his brother. I waved to them, went in, and parked. For some reason, all of my Melbourne friends were there with my ex and they were all asking why I was there 'cause they were there visiting another friend of mine that in reality, they didn't know. When I saw my ex, I was prepared to defend myself in case she had another trick to pull on me but I felt seriously weak from the previous shot she gave me.
The next few things were a bit fuzzy but suddenly said the reason why she did was because I never did the things she wanted and never took her to the places that she wanted to go. I remember holding her hands and saying that I will take her wherever she wanted to go, she just had to ask.
Next thing I knew, I stumbled into the hospital, looking for the right counter to talk to. Eventually I reached the right one and I succumbed to the poison and found myself on the floor. I woke up, in the dream, next to my other hospitalized friend.
And then here I am, typing this out. Wonder what the hell does this all mean.
Btw, was anyone on Fly.Fm around 9.10 pm last night? Yours truly got on radio! =D Hahahaha...
Anyways, I'm out. Enjoy your holidays.
Peace.
Finally replaced my bokken from Melbourne with another similar black one that I saw while walking down Jonker walk. But that's another story for another time, in another post.
So I came back with a headache that's been with me since that morning, all the way in the train ride and all the way back here. So right after dinner, popped a double of Panadol and dozed off.
My next memory is that I had a dream of my ex. We were driving in a suburban area in a convertible. No reason, we were just there. Suddenly, next most vivid moment in the dream was me, adjusting the rear view mirror and I felt her move suddenly, I moved my hand in the way to block it and she plunged a syringe right into my outstretched palm. I saw a sort of green liquid in there. Transparent, somewhat neon-like and she pushed down on the plunger. Somehow I knew that was poison and next thing I knew, I reached across her with my free hand, opened her door and kicked her out.
I sped off and headed towards the hospital where I saw an old friend and his brother. I waved to them, went in, and parked. For some reason, all of my Melbourne friends were there with my ex and they were all asking why I was there 'cause they were there visiting another friend of mine that in reality, they didn't know. When I saw my ex, I was prepared to defend myself in case she had another trick to pull on me but I felt seriously weak from the previous shot she gave me.
The next few things were a bit fuzzy but suddenly said the reason why she did was because I never did the things she wanted and never took her to the places that she wanted to go. I remember holding her hands and saying that I will take her wherever she wanted to go, she just had to ask.
Next thing I knew, I stumbled into the hospital, looking for the right counter to talk to. Eventually I reached the right one and I succumbed to the poison and found myself on the floor. I woke up, in the dream, next to my other hospitalized friend.
And then here I am, typing this out. Wonder what the hell does this all mean.
Btw, was anyone on Fly.Fm around 9.10 pm last night? Yours truly got on radio! =D Hahahaha...
Anyways, I'm out. Enjoy your holidays.
Peace.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Avatar
"I See you"
I gotta admit... I was awed by the trailer itself. I was moderately keen on watching this movie and so I did. Went in a few minutes late just to see Jake Sully arrive right on time for his 1st briefing.
The movie, to say the least, is superbly visually astounding. You can definitely tell a lot of thought has been put into the whole creative design of the inhabitants, the world itself, the concepts, everything, really. If my weed-damaged memory serves me right, I think it took the writer 4 years for the script to be done. Not that he was rushing or anything, but it just took that long until he was satisfied.
And man, those 4 years sure paid off.
You can definitely tell that James Cameron loves to put in some stuff from his previous movies… come on now, Sigourney Weaver and landmates? Aliens, anyone?
But still, it doesn’t mess with the story at all. The story, not groundbreaking, typical natives versus invaders set-up. Sure, there are countless stories out there that have similar themes, even on grander galactic scales but it’s not the story that entices people, it’s the way the story is told. I bet if you had watched a film on how the Malay kingdom defended itself from the invading westerners; you would’ve learnt a hell more than reading it off a bleeding book.
And that’s what contributes to Avatar being a great movie. The flow of the story. There are no pauses. Every scene commands amazement from the audience as Jake Sully and Neytiri walk about the lush Pandoran landscape, exploring their surroundings, startling unique and awe-inspiring creatures and plants as they go.
The battles are epic and pull no punches. Missiles, incendiary ammo litter the skies against the seemingly weak but deadly accurate arrows of the na’vi inhabitants that ride on their flying beasts while led by the new Toruk Mocta, Jake Sully, which is basically now their new hero as he had tamed the untamable beast of the Pandoran skies.
As negative as the next sentence may sound, the plot is predictable, but the flow of the story keeps us in check instead of giving us time to guess what is coming ahead.
Ol’ Spiky’s Rating: 5/5 – Another movie that will define our generation.
I’m off to KL tomorrow and then to Melaka. Happy Holidays people and a belated Merry Christmas!
Peace.
The movie, to say the least, is superbly visually astounding. You can definitely tell a lot of thought has been put into the whole creative design of the inhabitants, the world itself, the concepts, everything, really. If my weed-damaged memory serves me right, I think it took the writer 4 years for the script to be done. Not that he was rushing or anything, but it just took that long until he was satisfied.
And man, those 4 years sure paid off.
You can definitely tell that James Cameron loves to put in some stuff from his previous movies… come on now, Sigourney Weaver and landmates? Aliens, anyone?
But still, it doesn’t mess with the story at all. The story, not groundbreaking, typical natives versus invaders set-up. Sure, there are countless stories out there that have similar themes, even on grander galactic scales but it’s not the story that entices people, it’s the way the story is told. I bet if you had watched a film on how the Malay kingdom defended itself from the invading westerners; you would’ve learnt a hell more than reading it off a bleeding book.
And that’s what contributes to Avatar being a great movie. The flow of the story. There are no pauses. Every scene commands amazement from the audience as Jake Sully and Neytiri walk about the lush Pandoran landscape, exploring their surroundings, startling unique and awe-inspiring creatures and plants as they go.
The battles are epic and pull no punches. Missiles, incendiary ammo litter the skies against the seemingly weak but deadly accurate arrows of the na’vi inhabitants that ride on their flying beasts while led by the new Toruk Mocta, Jake Sully, which is basically now their new hero as he had tamed the untamable beast of the Pandoran skies.
As negative as the next sentence may sound, the plot is predictable, but the flow of the story keeps us in check instead of giving us time to guess what is coming ahead.
Ol’ Spiky’s Rating: 5/5 – Another movie that will define our generation.
I’m off to KL tomorrow and then to Melaka. Happy Holidays people and a belated Merry Christmas!
Peace.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
L4D2
The new Survivors, with more flava than ever!
I gotta say that I was pretty surprised, probably like every other fan out there of Left 4 Dead, when Valve announced Left 4 Dead 2. However, unlike other fans of the zombie shooter game, I was not the least outraged by this little piece of news.
Well, I'm not here today to address the community's feelings on this news, but rather, I am here today to tell you how motherfucking kick ass this game is!
First off, they've improved everything, from weapons, to maps, to the gameplay, to content, to... I don't know! You can definitely notice brief pauses in the 1st game between each crescendo event and parts where you need to switch somethin on that will set the horde nuts. In L4D2, the action is non-stop, past the 1st quarter of the map, your trigger finger never gets a break, unless of course you switch over to one of the many interesting melee weapons. My faves? The axe, 'cause it's just classic, the chainsaw, 'cause it's just Doom's style baby and the katana, 'cause that's just what zombies need to learn that it doesn't pay to mess with the living!
The campaigns are plentiful and this time it does actually have a story more so than the last one. However, as before, character development is all done with in-game dialouge and in the 1st campaign you actually get to hear the survivors introduce themselves to each other. How far have I gone in the campaigns? A'ite... I'm currently working on the very final stage, The Bridge of The Parish campain. Can't wait to actually finish that shit!
Voice acting, peh... it's not even an issue. Everyone sounds alright and pretty accurate. The characters themselves are pretty interesting, though I have to say that Rochelle might have been a ho before.
*roll on drum snare*
My favourite campaign has gotta be this one...
Well, I'm not here today to address the community's feelings on this news, but rather, I am here today to tell you how motherfucking kick ass this game is!
First off, they've improved everything, from weapons, to maps, to the gameplay, to content, to... I don't know! You can definitely notice brief pauses in the 1st game between each crescendo event and parts where you need to switch somethin on that will set the horde nuts. In L4D2, the action is non-stop, past the 1st quarter of the map, your trigger finger never gets a break, unless of course you switch over to one of the many interesting melee weapons. My faves? The axe, 'cause it's just classic, the chainsaw, 'cause it's just Doom's style baby and the katana, 'cause that's just what zombies need to learn that it doesn't pay to mess with the living!
The campaigns are plentiful and this time it does actually have a story more so than the last one. However, as before, character development is all done with in-game dialouge and in the 1st campaign you actually get to hear the survivors introduce themselves to each other. How far have I gone in the campaigns? A'ite... I'm currently working on the very final stage, The Bridge of The Parish campain. Can't wait to actually finish that shit!
Voice acting, peh... it's not even an issue. Everyone sounds alright and pretty accurate. The characters themselves are pretty interesting, though I have to say that Rochelle might have been a ho before.
*roll on drum snare*
My favourite campaign has gotta be this one...
"You must be this tall... to DIE!"
The final maps leading up to the *cough* Maybe I shouldn't reveal anymore and just let you guys pick this up and try it out for yourself. Ring me up for a game on GG anytime, lads.
Peace.
P.S: Totally off topic but I believe that my prediction of everyone going back to their own lives is coming true, but... I really don't like this. Funnily enough, I don't miss you as much as I miss...
Peace.
P.S: Totally off topic but I believe that my prediction of everyone going back to their own lives is coming true, but... I really don't like this. Funnily enough, I don't miss you as much as I miss...
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Mount Dandenong
We are actually way past the schedule when we did this road trip but damn, who gives a shit innit?
So yeah, I can’t even remember which day exactly we went, but I’m pretty sure it was within the last 5 days. That’s the benefits of the holidays; you definitely don’t need to remember which day is it, unless you DO have something very specific planned!
Anyways, we set off near noon in Bon’s car (Bon being the Thai translation of the word Ball) which was an excellent piece of Korean (?) auto engineering. Here’s a piece of conversation between me and Palm after I discover the window on my side was not the regular safety glass they fit into rides.
Me: Dude, see this glass? *knocks* This is some low quality shit man!
Palm: Dude, this is a Daewoo okay? It’s the highest quality in Korean technology!
Me: Oh yeah, I feel real safe after you saying that. Feel like Jesus’ hugging me.
*everyone laughs*
We set off after pumping the car with gas and air. The journey was pretty a’ite. We took the M3 Highway which set us back like 12 bucks. Damned toll system. At least the system here scans you once and you’re cleared for the day.
Okay, first stop we saw a chocolate shop by the side, a li’l place called Hahndorf’s Fine Chocolates. Girls and chocolates. Sheesh!
Arrived at Hahndorf's
Rows and rows of amazin' chocolate...
... pity I ain't a fan of the junk
Gotta give 'em props for presentation!
Next model for Hahndorf? XD
We call zis one "Ze Stair"
Lookin' right back at ya!
Oh yeah, you know I look good bitch!
Ready to devour
Table decor
Elly and Palm
Bad girls that need to be locked up! =P
Li'l Buddha statue in the maze
*insert cheesy tourism ad line here*
Pretty small maze. really!
The bird whisperer (?)
Moments before the carnage
Souvenirs of the carnage
D'awwwww~
*squawk*
Check this dude out! He's eating it off his hand! Or claw... or leg... whatever
Trying very hard to fit in
And on this month's cover of Vogue...
Yeah, we missed it by that much
He's almost there
The overweight couple
That's right ladies, give me shock... more...
Pressure of failing MPS finally got to me...
Hangin' around the train
The photo that never made it to Facebook and for very obvious reasons
Chillin' around
AHAH! Take that Puffing Billy guards!
The Puffing Billy train station
Old school Australian public toilets?
All aboard!
RUN!
So yeah, I can’t even remember which day exactly we went, but I’m pretty sure it was within the last 5 days. That’s the benefits of the holidays; you definitely don’t need to remember which day is it, unless you DO have something very specific planned!
Anyways, we set off near noon in Bon’s car (Bon being the Thai translation of the word Ball) which was an excellent piece of Korean (?) auto engineering. Here’s a piece of conversation between me and Palm after I discover the window on my side was not the regular safety glass they fit into rides.
Me: Dude, see this glass? *knocks* This is some low quality shit man!
Palm: Dude, this is a Daewoo okay? It’s the highest quality in Korean technology!
Me: Oh yeah, I feel real safe after you saying that. Feel like Jesus’ hugging me.
*everyone laughs*
We set off after pumping the car with gas and air. The journey was pretty a’ite. We took the M3 Highway which set us back like 12 bucks. Damned toll system. At least the system here scans you once and you’re cleared for the day.
Okay, first stop we saw a chocolate shop by the side, a li’l place called Hahndorf’s Fine Chocolates. Girls and chocolates. Sheesh!
Arrived at Hahndorf's
Rows and rows of amazin' chocolate...
... pity I ain't a fan of the junk
Gotta give 'em props for presentation!
Next model for Hahndorf? XD
Stopped over and checked the shop out. Real classy place and loads of types of chocolates. They sure know their shit man. There’s a café in the place too. With seats on the inside and the outside. Nicely designed altogether.
So after snapping a few photos, we headed to the nearby café, called The Soda Tree.
Man, that place is retro as hell. I mean, the design, the furniture, the decorations, hell… It was a tight place. You only get these places outside the city. That comfy little feeling, y’know? A little odds and ends shop was attached to this café with some weird old stuff. Old phones, classic mannequins with DOUBLE Ds and two creepy ass clown dolls. Urgh. I hate those clown dolls. Reminds of It so much. You know, that damned Stephen King novel’s drain monster!
So after snapping a few photos, we headed to the nearby café, called The Soda Tree.
Man, that place is retro as hell. I mean, the design, the furniture, the decorations, hell… It was a tight place. You only get these places outside the city. That comfy little feeling, y’know? A little odds and ends shop was attached to this café with some weird old stuff. Old phones, classic mannequins with DOUBLE Ds and two creepy ass clown dolls. Urgh. I hate those clown dolls. Reminds of It so much. You know, that damned Stephen King novel’s drain monster!
We call zis one "Ze Stair"
Lookin' right back at ya!
Oh yeah, you know I look good bitch!
Ready to devour
Table decor
Anyways, the waitress in The Soda Tree was so helpful, she wrote down all the nice places to hit and even dug out one big ass map book to show us how to go to get to these places. Nice lady.
So she directed us to go to this lookout point where we can see a lake, Grant’s Picnic ground, where we could feed the birds, Sky High and another town called Olinda that’s in the middle.
So first stop, we tried looking for this lookout point. One would think that the lake would be in plain sight and pretty close but sadly it was quite far away and the lookout point did get a good view of the lake, but not as one would imagine, so we just drove off, up to Sky High, where there was this maze.
It was a pretty simple maze as I’ve been in there before. I watched the others have their fun and just followed them around as some of us tried to lose each other in the maze. Hehehhee…
So she directed us to go to this lookout point where we can see a lake, Grant’s Picnic ground, where we could feed the birds, Sky High and another town called Olinda that’s in the middle.
So first stop, we tried looking for this lookout point. One would think that the lake would be in plain sight and pretty close but sadly it was quite far away and the lookout point did get a good view of the lake, but not as one would imagine, so we just drove off, up to Sky High, where there was this maze.
It was a pretty simple maze as I’ve been in there before. I watched the others have their fun and just followed them around as some of us tried to lose each other in the maze. Hehehhee…
Elly and Palm
Bad girls that need to be locked up! =P
Li'l Buddha statue in the maze
*insert cheesy tourism ad line here*
Pretty small maze. really!
Eventually we got out of the maze, and headed off to our next destination…
A’ite… from the directions the lady gave us at The Soda Tree, it was pretty easy to get to Grant’s Picnic Ground, the place where we could feed the birds and they are super friendly.
We definitely got the run-around when we stopped over at Olinda, a town between one side of Dandenong and Belgrave, where some locals pointed us in 2 totally different directions. Crap. Either way, long story short, eventually we managed to find our way to the spot, which was closer to Belgrave than anything.
Unfortunately we arrived a tad too late and the shop at the picnic ground had already closed. The shop sold the seeds that the birds go nuts over so… yeah, it was gonna be a tad tough but we managed. I surprised myself really, as I attracted the most birds (shameless self-praise here) compared to the rest. Shevoune was all “Aaaaahh… get them away from me~” and Palm had his first unfortunate taste of cockatoos going berserk on his arms. Elly seemed to handle the birds well by luring them in with Pocky.
A’ite… from the directions the lady gave us at The Soda Tree, it was pretty easy to get to Grant’s Picnic Ground, the place where we could feed the birds and they are super friendly.
We definitely got the run-around when we stopped over at Olinda, a town between one side of Dandenong and Belgrave, where some locals pointed us in 2 totally different directions. Crap. Either way, long story short, eventually we managed to find our way to the spot, which was closer to Belgrave than anything.
Unfortunately we arrived a tad too late and the shop at the picnic ground had already closed. The shop sold the seeds that the birds go nuts over so… yeah, it was gonna be a tad tough but we managed. I surprised myself really, as I attracted the most birds (shameless self-praise here) compared to the rest. Shevoune was all “Aaaaahh… get them away from me~” and Palm had his first unfortunate taste of cockatoos going berserk on his arms. Elly seemed to handle the birds well by luring them in with Pocky.
The bird whisperer (?)
Moments before the carnage
Souvenirs of the carnage
D'awwwww~
*squawk*
Check this dude out! He's eating it off his hand! Or claw... or leg... whatever
Right after that we headed down to Belgrave, where we all knew Puffing Billy was. Our last trip to try to catch Puffing Billy was a bust so we decided to give it a go again this time. When we got there, we found out we missed the last train by saaaaayy… an hour plus? Hahahaha…
Anyways, we got a lucky break… or not but whatever it was, the gates were all open and we had full access to the whole station and there was nary a guard in sight! So we fooled around a little…
Anyways, we got a lucky break… or not but whatever it was, the gates were all open and we had full access to the whole station and there was nary a guard in sight! So we fooled around a little…
Trying very hard to fit in
And on this month's cover of Vogue...
Yeah, we missed it by that much
He's almost there
The overweight couple
And decided to take it down to the tracks and the locomotive…
That's right ladies, give me shock... more...
Pressure of failing MPS finally got to me...
Hangin' around the train
The photo that never made it to Facebook and for very obvious reasons
Chillin' around
AHAH! Take that Puffing Billy guards!
The Puffing Billy train station
Old school Australian public toilets?
All aboard!
RUN!
We all really couldn’t believe we managed to get so much done in just one freakin’ day! But come to think about it, none of the things we did after The Soda Tree required anyone to let us in or anything. ‘cept for Sky High, that is.
Definitely one of the best trips of my life, it sits up there with Dubai in my books for the most fun ever.
Peace.
Disclaimer: All photos were taken by Palm and edited by him or Elly. Thanks for the pics!
P.S: Good God it took me a few days to write this motherfucker down. Will resume normal ranting soon enough
Definitely one of the best trips of my life, it sits up there with Dubai in my books for the most fun ever.
Peace.
Disclaimer: All photos were taken by Palm and edited by him or Elly. Thanks for the pics!
P.S: Good God it took me a few days to write this motherfucker down. Will resume normal ranting soon enough
Friday, December 4, 2009
My Letter to Her
Hey.
I suppose this is the most cowardly way I can convey what I have been feeling over the past semester but at this point… I don’t think I really care anymore.
Maybe, someday I hope you’ll be able to read this.
I can’t start with “Ever since I met you” but… as I got to know you, you’ve been a particularly interesting character. Your carefree attitude, your adventurous streak and perhaps even your beauty has caught my eye.
Man, I can’t even find the right words that doesn’t make this sound cheesy, but… I don’t know. I really don’t know.
After that first night we went out with everyone, something special happened there. I knew you weren’t in full control of yourself but… it probably wasn’t real, but it was real in my head. It’s probably delusions that I have of you, but my thoughts translated into feelings. Maybe I was chasing a phantom that was conjured of a night of forgotten mistakes but nevertheless I have feelings for you. I have asked you out, but after I found out some things about you, I decided that you weren’t for me.
Every time I walked in there, I always looked for you first before anything, hoping to catch just a small glimpse of you. It didn’t matter if you looked haggard, or tired, I just wanted to see you.
Yeah, I know, it sounds really pathetic, but whatever, this is how I feel and I am not ashamed of it.
Despite the fact that I decided not to care anymore, or to pursue, but we met a few more times and the more I hear, it made me realize more and more of how I felt about you. I will not call it love because it is a dangerous feeling to confess to.
As the holidays grew closer, we hung out more, and I got to know you a bit more. I treasure every moment we had.
Then it came to that night, when I had a chance, and… I don’t know what it all meant, but… I showed you that I wasn’t the guy you thought me out to be.
I am more than that.
I am more than him.
At least I am honest with the people I am with.
I like you a lot, despite how fucked up you are, despite how broken you are, despite everything that you’ve done. I want to help you. But you didn’t let me in, so what was I supposed to do?
I’m sorry I wasn’t there to say goodbye. I had so much to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell you, because I didn’t want to complicate things in my life.
But now that you’re gone, and now that I am leaving for good, I’m not going to have a chance to tell you everything. I had so much to tell you, yet so little, yet so much I want to keep in myself until I enter my grave… But too little too late, huh?
I’m sorry I haven’t been truthful with you.
I’m sorry, if you’re reading this that this is the way you find out, but I don’t think you’ll ever see this.
If you do, this has got to be the most pathetic ever that you’ve read. But I don’t care.
I don’t want to care anymore.
But I can’t.
Everyday I see something that reminds me of you. It’s like the world itself is reminding me and mocking me at the same time.
I saw your name in the paper today in the train and all I could do was turn away and sigh.
That night… when you were having fun with all those guys. It hurt me so much seeing you act that way, but all I could do was put on my mask, and give my best smile, hiding the pain I felt inside.
I tried to be at least a good friend yet you wouldn’t let me be one.
…
Whatever it is now, I wish you all the best. I hope you find someone special that will treat you right. I hope you can fix your problems. I hope that someday… you can let me in, and give me a chance.
But I know it’s not possible, now that you’re gone.
I will… cherish whatever memories we had, as little as they were, but nonetheless… despite the inappropriateness and cheesiness of this whole thing, I will.
Goodbye.
I suppose this is the most cowardly way I can convey what I have been feeling over the past semester but at this point… I don’t think I really care anymore.
Maybe, someday I hope you’ll be able to read this.
I can’t start with “Ever since I met you” but… as I got to know you, you’ve been a particularly interesting character. Your carefree attitude, your adventurous streak and perhaps even your beauty has caught my eye.
Man, I can’t even find the right words that doesn’t make this sound cheesy, but… I don’t know. I really don’t know.
After that first night we went out with everyone, something special happened there. I knew you weren’t in full control of yourself but… it probably wasn’t real, but it was real in my head. It’s probably delusions that I have of you, but my thoughts translated into feelings. Maybe I was chasing a phantom that was conjured of a night of forgotten mistakes but nevertheless I have feelings for you. I have asked you out, but after I found out some things about you, I decided that you weren’t for me.
Every time I walked in there, I always looked for you first before anything, hoping to catch just a small glimpse of you. It didn’t matter if you looked haggard, or tired, I just wanted to see you.
Yeah, I know, it sounds really pathetic, but whatever, this is how I feel and I am not ashamed of it.
Despite the fact that I decided not to care anymore, or to pursue, but we met a few more times and the more I hear, it made me realize more and more of how I felt about you. I will not call it love because it is a dangerous feeling to confess to.
As the holidays grew closer, we hung out more, and I got to know you a bit more. I treasure every moment we had.
Then it came to that night, when I had a chance, and… I don’t know what it all meant, but… I showed you that I wasn’t the guy you thought me out to be.
I am more than that.
I am more than him.
At least I am honest with the people I am with.
I like you a lot, despite how fucked up you are, despite how broken you are, despite everything that you’ve done. I want to help you. But you didn’t let me in, so what was I supposed to do?
I’m sorry I wasn’t there to say goodbye. I had so much to say, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell you, because I didn’t want to complicate things in my life.
But now that you’re gone, and now that I am leaving for good, I’m not going to have a chance to tell you everything. I had so much to tell you, yet so little, yet so much I want to keep in myself until I enter my grave… But too little too late, huh?
I’m sorry I haven’t been truthful with you.
I’m sorry, if you’re reading this that this is the way you find out, but I don’t think you’ll ever see this.
If you do, this has got to be the most pathetic ever that you’ve read. But I don’t care.
I don’t want to care anymore.
But I can’t.
Everyday I see something that reminds me of you. It’s like the world itself is reminding me and mocking me at the same time.
I saw your name in the paper today in the train and all I could do was turn away and sigh.
That night… when you were having fun with all those guys. It hurt me so much seeing you act that way, but all I could do was put on my mask, and give my best smile, hiding the pain I felt inside.
I tried to be at least a good friend yet you wouldn’t let me be one.
…
Whatever it is now, I wish you all the best. I hope you find someone special that will treat you right. I hope you can fix your problems. I hope that someday… you can let me in, and give me a chance.
But I know it’s not possible, now that you’re gone.
I will… cherish whatever memories we had, as little as they were, but nonetheless… despite the inappropriateness and cheesiness of this whole thing, I will.
Goodbye.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
2nd Thoughts on This Chapter
As I sat down in the tram on the way back home earlier today, a sudden, yet slight pang of sadness struck, as I realized that I have a bit over a week left in this country.
It hasn't become that apparent when I'm having fun these few days with Shevoune, Palm and Elly, and sometimes Sarah. Oh, and Pui Yee of course.
There will be some I shall sorely miss. Some that I am glad I will most probably never see again.
I came here dreading this country, counting down the days I will leave here, but as always, I have grown accustomed to this country, and grown to love it for it's ability to set some parts of me free, for it's imperfections, and for it's acceptance of those imperfections.
I will miss it for everything that M'sia isn't.
Like what? Oh... I don't know... non-flat-chested chicks... That's like, on top of the list. I'll leave it at that. I shudder to think the shit I'll deal with when I get back.
I think it'll feel something like losing a sense.
Maybe I'm exaggerating now, maybe it's going to be as I say it is.
But whatever it is... I'm going to try to have as much fun as I can while I can... to forget her... instead of wasting my days thinking of things that could have been, that never would have been...
I'm out.
Peace.
It hasn't become that apparent when I'm having fun these few days with Shevoune, Palm and Elly, and sometimes Sarah. Oh, and Pui Yee of course.
There will be some I shall sorely miss. Some that I am glad I will most probably never see again.
I came here dreading this country, counting down the days I will leave here, but as always, I have grown accustomed to this country, and grown to love it for it's ability to set some parts of me free, for it's imperfections, and for it's acceptance of those imperfections.
I will miss it for everything that M'sia isn't.
Like what? Oh... I don't know... non-flat-chested chicks... That's like, on top of the list. I'll leave it at that. I shudder to think the shit I'll deal with when I get back.
I think it'll feel something like losing a sense.
Maybe I'm exaggerating now, maybe it's going to be as I say it is.
But whatever it is... I'm going to try to have as much fun as I can while I can... to forget her... instead of wasting my days thinking of things that could have been, that never would have been...
I'm out.
Peace.
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